less of me, more of You
February 19, 2008
the more i desire to do good, the more i think the desire to do bad increases in proportion. i mean, its never like i just choose the narrow path and suddenly my life is all fine and dandy; instead, i seem to want to stray, more than ever. i want to party like there’s no tomorrow, haha.
i wonder if i’m trying to drown away my disappointment with “fun”, not just good clean fun but really, at this point, any kind of fun. i often try to push away all of my pain or at least distract myself to the point where the pain isn’t as obvious. recently, in the past few days, all i’ve been doing is pushing myself to the point where i’m too exhausted to think about anything other than sleep. pain becomes something pushed to the back of the mind: not only pain, but also bitterness, disappointment, sorrow, grief, frustrations, grudges, jealousy, envy, rage, fear… so many things. (and i used to think that feeling like crap was simple.)
impossibly enough, i am still alive.
