being gracious is difficult
February 18, 2008
i want to be gracious about this. i don’t want to be more of a burden than i already am– to pb, to joe, to lauren, to anyone going on missions. but it feels like there is this huge blockage of hurt and envy and pain that is in the way of me handling this in anything close to a graceful manner. i wish i could just will away all my hurts and embrace what You’ve given me, yet i feel like its almost an impossible task.
on one hand, there are lots of people who AREN’T going on missions with rwc: mal, esther, mike, dan lok, dan pineda, alison, kat, so many people…. plenty of upper and under classmen, content to do internships or whatnot. on the other hand, i feel desperately the need to prove myself worthy, mostly because i feel like i was passed over for someone better, more qualified, more mature than i. is the fact that i’m having a hard time dealing with this proof that i’m not ready? i think so.
yet i can’t tear myself away from this mentality. i also feel like if i had prayed more about it, if i was more spiritually mature, i would have known not to even apply for missions in the understanding that God was closing this door already. i should have know. i wish i hadn’t put myself out there.
even though now my opportunities are more open, i still struggle with this. i know that now i can apply for missions in cccnj, i can work in jersey, in nyc, i can go to taiwan and hang out, i can spend time with bo, and i still want to break down into pieces when i think about lauren or sam or sharon or david going to japan and vietnam. i feel left out and unwanted.
i don’t want to act like a child anymore. i don’t want to just shrink away from serving or from rwc just because i don’t get a leadership role, just because i don’t get “chosen” for missions. i want to embrace God wholeheartedly, which is very hard to do when a huge part of your heart is swelled up with other things like jealousy or pain or grief or anger. i want to serve in any way i can.
(i didn’t even know i wanted to go to missions that badly, until now, probably because i was sure i could get in.)
oh pb, i know how hard it is for you to say those words to me. i know that it is not easy for you to stand before anyone and say things like that. i empathize, i guess the word would fit into empathy, and i wish i could be more gracious, for your sake and mine, so that in dealing with this less hearts are broken. i don’t want to suffer, but i don’t want you to suffer either.
just saying those words make me feel self-righteous, which leads back to the majority of my heart being elsewhere again. it hurts to know that i am being stupid.
“i believe, help me overcome my unbelief!”
