cinnamon cookies

INGREDIENTS

• 1 cup butter, softened
• 1 1/2 cups white sugar
• 1 egg
• 1 1/2 tablespoons molasses
• 2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 1/8 teaspoons baking soda
• 1 tablespoon ground cinnamon

DIRECTIONS

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (180 degrees C).
2. Cream together butter and sugar.
3. Mix in egg and molasses, blending well.
4. Mix flour, baking soda and cinnamon; add to creamed mixture, mixing well.
5. Drop by teaspoonfuls onto ungreased cookie sheet.
6. Bake for 10 to 12 minutes.

NOTE TO SELF: i cut the butter in half, which worked out ok, added vanilla extract and a touch of ginger. cookies will spread, rise, then fall flat as they cool. a full tbs of dough makes a good amount… approx 18 cookies a pan, 2 pans ish?

must try rolling them in sugar next time

lost

lost and confused. i want to be with him so much and yet i want to be mature and i want him to grow and i also want to grow and oh God, why can’t i have both? why? i want to spend my life with him and i miss him already and i can’t imagine being away from him for 6 months or more. my heart hurts.

i want to cry until i dehydrate.

less of me, more of You

the more i desire to do good, the more i think the desire to do bad increases in proportion. i mean, its never like i just choose the narrow path and suddenly my life is all fine and dandy; instead, i seem to want to stray, more than ever. i want to party like there’s no tomorrow, haha.

i wonder if i’m trying to drown away my disappointment with “fun”, not just good clean fun but really, at this point, any kind of fun. i often try to push away all of my pain or at least distract myself to the point where the pain isn’t as obvious. recently, in the past few days, all i’ve been doing is pushing myself to the point where i’m too exhausted to think about anything other than sleep. pain becomes something pushed to the back of the mind: not only pain, but also bitterness, disappointment, sorrow, grief, frustrations, grudges, jealousy, envy, rage, fear… so many things.  (and i used to think that feeling like crap was simple.)

impossibly enough, i am still alive.

being gracious is difficult

i want to be gracious about this. i don’t want to be more of a burden than i already am– to pb, to joe, to lauren, to anyone going on missions. but it feels like there is this huge blockage of hurt and envy and pain that is in the way of me handling this in anything close to a graceful manner. i wish i could just will away all my hurts and embrace what You’ve given me, yet i feel like its almost an impossible task.

on one hand, there are lots of people who AREN’T going on missions with rwc: mal, esther, mike, dan lok, dan pineda, alison, kat, so many people…. plenty of upper and under classmen, content to do internships or whatnot. on the other hand, i feel desperately the need to prove myself worthy, mostly because i feel like i was passed over for someone better, more qualified, more mature than i. is the fact that i’m having a hard time dealing with this proof that i’m not ready? i think so.

yet i can’t tear myself away from this mentality. i also feel like if i had prayed more about it, if i was more spiritually mature, i would have known not to even apply for missions in the understanding that God was closing this door already. i should have know. i wish i hadn’t put myself out there.

even though now my opportunities are more open, i still struggle with this. i know that now i can apply for missions in cccnj, i can work in jersey, in nyc, i can go to taiwan and hang out, i can spend time with bo, and i still want to break down into pieces when i think about lauren or sam or sharon or david going to japan and vietnam. i feel left out and unwanted.

i don’t want to act like a child anymore. i don’t want to just shrink away from serving or from rwc just because i don’t get a leadership role, just because i don’t get “chosen” for missions. i want to embrace God wholeheartedly, which is very hard to do when a huge part of your heart is swelled up with other things like jealousy or pain or grief or anger. i want to serve in any way i can.

(i didn’t even know i wanted to go to missions that badly, until now, probably because i was sure i could get in.)

oh pb, i know how hard it is for you to say those words to me. i know that it is not easy for you to stand before anyone and say things like that. i empathize, i guess the word would fit into empathy, and i wish i could be more gracious, for your sake and mine, so that in dealing with this less hearts are broken. i don’t want to suffer, but i don’t want you to suffer either.

just saying those words make me feel self-righteous, which leads back to the majority of my heart being elsewhere again. it hurts to know that i am being stupid.

“i believe, help me overcome my unbelief!”

no bake chocolate and pb cookies

INGREDIENTS

• 1 3/4 cups white sugar
• 1/2 cup milk
• 1/2 cup butter
• 4 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1/2 cup crunchy peanut butter
• 3 cups quick-cooking oats
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

DIRECTIONS

1. In a medium saucepan, combine sugar, milk, butter, and cocoa. Bring to a boil, and cook for 1 1/2 minutes. Remove from heat, and stir in peanut butter, oats, and vanilla. Drop by teaspoonfuls onto wax paper. Let cool until hardened.

NOTE TO SELF:

er… i subbed in vegoil for butter, which was a phenomenally bad idea, because they turned out a bit too greasy looking. confectioner’s sugar on top didn’t help much. had no chunky pb, so used chopped walnuts (approx a handful), which worked fine, maybe add more? too mushy to give people though, despite freezing it

hm.

butter cookies with fillin’

INGREDIENTS

• 3/4 cup butter, softened
• 1/2 cup white sugar
• 2 egg yolks
• 1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/2 cup fruit preserves, any flavor

DIRECTIONS

1. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C).
2. In a medium bowl, cream together the butter, white sugar and egg yolks. Mix in flour a little bit at a time until a soft dough forms. Roll dough into 1 inch balls. If dough is too soft, refrigerate for 15 to 20 minutes. Place balls 2 inches apart onto ungreased cookie sheets. Use your finger or an instrument of similar size to make a well in the center of each cookie. Fill the hole with 1/2 teaspoon of preserves.
3. Bake for 8 to 10 minutes in the preheated oven, until golden brown on the bottom. Remove from cookie sheets to cool on wire racks.

NOTE TO SELF: cupcake tins require longer baking time (approx 15 min); last try used 3 whole almonds + dollop of honey (put in honey after 5 min); need to make more sweet (add powdered sugar after, add 1 tsp vanilla extract into dough before)

cinnamon-roasted almonds

 INGREDIENTS

• 1 egg white
• 1 teaspoon cold water
• 4 cups whole almonds
• 1/2 cup white sugar
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

DIRECTIONS

1. Preheat oven to 250 degrees F (120 degrees C). Lightly grease a 10×15 inch jellyroll pan.
2. Lightly beat the egg white; add water, and beat until frothy but not stiff. Add the nuts, and stir until well coated. Mix the sugar, salt, and cinnamon, and sprinkle over the nuts. Toss to coat, and spread evenly on the prepared pan.
3. Bake for 1 hour in the preheated oven, stirring occasionally, until golden. Allow to cool, then store nuts in airtight containers.

NOTE TO SELF: double the egg white, halve the nuts, add about another 1/4 of sugar (possibly less? must try), possibly try almond or vanilla extract next time

cookie sticks

INGREDIENTS

• 1/2 cup vegetable oil
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
• 1 egg
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
• 1/2 cup chopped walnuts

DIRECTIONS

1. In a mixing bowl, combine the oil, sugars, egg and vanilla; mix well. Combine flour, baking soda and salt; gradually add to sugar mixture. Divide dough in half.
2. On a greased baking sheet, shape each portion into a 15-in. x 3-in. rectangle about 3 in. apart. Sprinkle chocolate chips and nuts if desired over dough; press lightly.
3. Bake at 375 degrees F for 6-7 minutes. (Bake for 8-9 minutes for crispier cookies.) Cool for 5 minutes. Cut with a serrated knife into 1-in. strips; remove to wire racks to cool.

cream cheese penguins

INGREDIENTS

• 18 jumbo black olives, pitted
• 1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, softened
• 18 small black olives
• 1 carrot

DIRECTIONS

1. Cut a slit from top to bottom, lengthwise, into the side of each jumbo olive. Carefully insert about 1 teaspoon of cream cheese into each olive. Slice the carrot into eighteen 1/4 inch thick rounds; cut a small notch out of each carrot slice to form feet. Save the cut out piece and press into center of small olive to form the beak. If necessary cut a small slit into each olive before inserting the beak.
2. Set a big olive, large hole side down, onto a carrot slice. Then, set a small olive onto the large olive, adjusting so that the beak, cream cheese chest and notch in the carrot slice line up. Secure with a toothpick.

hint: piping cream cheese using plastic bag with cut corner

robin’s nest cookies

INGREDIENTS

• 1 cup butter, softened
• 1/2 cup firmly packed brown sugar
• 2 eggs, separated
• 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 1/2 cups walnuts, finely chopped
• 2 tablespoons butter, softened
• 3 tablespoons light corn syrup
• 2 drops blue food coloring
• 1 drop green food coloring
• 1 teaspoon almond extract
• 2 cups confectioners’ sugar

DIRECTIONS

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
2. In a large bowl, cream together the butter and brown sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in the egg yolks then stir in the vanilla. Stir in the flour and mix well.
3. In a shallow dish, such as a pie pan, beat egg whites until foamy. Spread walnuts on a plate or waxed paper.
4. Roll 1 teaspoon of dough into a ball; roll in egg whites then in walnuts. Place 2 inches apart on a cookie sheet. Make a depression in each ball with your thumb.
5. Bake in preheated oven for 12 minutes.
6. Meanwhile, cream the remaining 2 tablespoons butter with corn syrup, blue and green food coloring and almond extract. Gradually stir in confectioners’ sugar. Roll 1/2 teaspoon of fondant mixture into egg-shaped balls. Place fondant eggs into hollows of baked cookies.